at last, an unfortunate series of events.
from the beginning: one of the reasons why I never went through with breaking up with the boyfriend is because whenever I got close to doing so, he would tell me to stop and apologize for everything he’s done. and that no matter how he acts towards me, he will always love me and simply blamed his rude behavior on stress.
of course i believe him every time. not because i sincerely think so but because i want to believe for the sake of our relationship. i invested so many feelings, time, and heartache for me to simply give up despite his hurtful attitude towards me. i just couldn’t let go, no matter how hard i tried. everytime i got close to doing it, something as simple as his smile would weaken me and i just wouldn’t be able to do it.
until, today. what changed?
well, right when i got online late last night, my boyfriend’s bestfriend whom i never really talked to before, instant messaged me and we have been talking ever since. the conversation was extremely awkward because it wasn’t the usual “hi. nice to meet you. how are you?” type of thing but more along the lines of “do you still love your boyfriend? why haven’t you broken up with my best friend yet. what is wrong with you?” to add to the awkwardness, i’ve always gotten the vibe that he didn’t like me. i was never mean to him or anything like that but he would always be rude to me and encourage my boyfriend to look at other girls and everything, which i found was extremely rude and disgusting. who ENCOURAGES infidelity?
anyways. i told him why. and then he did the unthinkable. he showed me his conversation with my boyfriend! and it was the most painful thing i have ever read. why? because he wanted a FAVOR. not because he felt bad for me or anything like that but because he wanted a FAVOR.
apparently my boyfriend has been wanting to break up with me for a while now even though he tried so hard to stop me everytime i tried to. but why, why would he be so willing to throw away our relationship after a whole year of intimate moments?
because i’m ugly and fat. seriously.
he discussed the pros and cons with his friend and apparently it consisted of how i’m so needy and unattractive. he seriously belittled our relationship to looks!! the future of our relationship of ONE YEAR came down to physical attributes.
how could a person tell me so many times that they loved me, not really love me? why bother feeding me such ridiuclous lies? well, according to the best friend it was because he wanted sex. seriously. he said that my boyfriend never really wanted to be in a serious relationship but merely a physical one. that is the reason why he gets annoyed and calls me needy, not because i am but because he just doesn’t want to bother. also, he said he planned to persue me in a sense after we break up in hopes of being friends with benefits………………………. no thanks.
not only that, the bestfriend asked him if he would’ve stayed with me if i was pretty. and he said yes.
ouch. knife to the heart.
when i first read this, i wondered why even date me in the first place if i’m so ugly to him? i guess it was because he never really had a real relationship before and it was all new and exciting. he had one girlfriend prior to me but they were only together for 2 weeks. before he met me, he would be watching anime and playing Doom 3 all day with his deadbeat friends. now that he’s the cocky jerk that he is, he probably thinks he can get someone better looking.
not so sure about that. i’m not saying that i’m pretty or anything, because i’m far from it. but so is he. he looks like every other nerdy korean guy. short, glasses, and full on acne. so many people i knew asked me why i was dating HIM of all people and that i could do so much better, which is saying a lot considering that i’m pretty ugly myself. to add to that, his personality isn’t that well-liked to begin with. he’s really awkward and has deadbeat friends that don’t even go to school.
i confided in one of my friends immediately after the conversation and he finally told me he never understood why i would waste my time on someone like him. his personality was odd and borderline creeper status.
but oddly enough, i liked that. not the creeper status but everything else. even though he used to be an extremely quiet person, i loved the fact that he was able to talk to me so much. i felt as if i was helping him overcome his insecurities and saw that he seemed like a great person, just misunderstood.
i loved him so much. i always cared about him and did things for his own interest. i went out with him despite the fact that my closest friends were against it because i believed he was different. i believed he wouldn’t hurt me.
i loved him with every fiber of my being. enough so that i was unable to end the relationship even though he has hurt me so much to the point of tears and emotional breakdowns. i loved him even though he made me bulimic. and i became bulimic because i wanted him to love me.
and he goes off calling me ugly and fat.
i’m absolutely heartbroken. just crushed.
words can’t express how excruciating this whole ordeal has been. i put so much effort in to the relationship and tried so hard, even though all he does is complain about my looks, something i can’t change. i wonder if he thinks HE’S attractive? cuz that will be sad if he did. i have nothing left to do now but to end my relationship with him. because he thinks i’m ugly and fat.. of all things to break up for.. and as the icing on the whole situation, our anniversary is in a few days.. too bad we won’t make it. i mean THANK GOODNESS. good riddens to him. hope he’ll be happy alone, living off of his parent’s money because he’s too lazy to get a job. now he’ll never be bothered by me again. i bet he doesn’t even know our anniversary is coming up. he’s forgotten it before.. and got me the cheapest, nearly dead daisies to make up for it. what a catch!
on a happier note: i realized how caring and thoughtful my boyfriend’s roommate is. he keeps telling me to stop being bulimic and sends me articles on the tragic affects it has on people RIGHT when i sign on or see him. and he always asks me how i’m doing.
but as of right now, i am the most disgusted with myself then i have ever been in my life. the fact that my boyfriend, soon to be ex, actually uttered those words made my fears in to reality. it means that i AM ugly and fat. never have i been more sure. never have i been more depressed.
during a fight with my boyfriend, i asked him why he feels the need to check out my friends on myspace & facebook, why he needs pornographic magazines, why he watches porn every second i’m not there. and his answer?
“because its what guys do. all guys check out other girls.”
he has a twisted perception because of what is portrayed in the media. he doesn’t have that many friends either so i guess he hasn’t really seen how it is. sure most guys check out other girls when they’re in front of them or something but most definately not in front of their girlfriends. and they most definately do not have the urge or desire to look at their girlfriend’s friends online. there are some people that will even consider fantasizing about another girl cheating because in a sense, you are longing for another girl and are imagining that you’re with them because you don’t want to be with your girlfriend. in the bible, it says sin is not only the actual act itself but even imagining committing sin or adultery is wrong and shameful.
honestly, i thought i was wrong and that i was the only one that felt this way. but i asked all of my friends how they would feel if they were in my situation and all of them agreed. ESPECIALLY the ones with boyfriends. the response was tremendous. i received dozens of respones, from both sexes, that agreed with me and told me he needs to get a reality check.
oh what an idiot i’ve been.
but sad to say, i am even more determined to be skinny now. why? because its the only thing i CAN do. knowing that i would’ve been dumped after so many memories and hardships together simply because of my looks.
it is the most depressing feeling.
i still can’t believe that it came down to my looks.. he was my everything. he was my bestfriend, my lover, the person i went to when i needed someone, the person who holds me at night telling me everything will be okay, the person that whispered sweet nothings in my ear, the person that made me once feel so good about my self.. is the person that has hurt me the most. i just feel so broken. and i don’t know who to go to! normally i would go to him but now what do i do? i’ll never have the feeling of him holding me in his arms again. or i’ll never get to tell him how much i miss/love him. to me, he’s dead. i can’t let myself continue to be hurt by this monster – this monster who continues to hurt me despite of everything he knows about me. how could someone do all those things to someone they care about? it just hurts me so much.
i have to filter out the uncaring people in my life now.. starting with him. i wish so much that he thought i was pretty..
update on twitter.com – yeah, nothing. still says its deleted. i even made a new one but i don’t think i’ll bother. i wasn’t really in to it. whoever hacked in to my account was more in to it than i was.
update on my IDENTITY – i’ve received the nicest messages from people who thought i was someone else. apparently there is a Madison Kim in the LA district. sorry to say, i wasn’t her. my last name isn’t really Kim, but actually an American last name because i’m half white. I just wrote Kim because i needed a fake name. i don’t exactly want my blog to pop up if someone were to google me, so i apologize for deceiving you all! but every word i’ve written is absolutely true. and yes, i am the author of the: mustbe-skinny.blogspot.com blog (there is no i). i started that blog back in september but felt that i needed a new start after i became bulimic. and i am ever so pleased that people remember. 🙂
thank you guys for the wonderful support.