Why People Should Drink More Water, ESPECIALLY bulimics!

i’ve stopped losing weight.. AGAIN.

 

i think i’m going to have to approach my weightloss with a more intense routine.

 

lately i’ve been getting lazy or had too many distractions to remember to throw up on time. rather then waiting two hours to throw up, i think i’m going to do it within the hour. it’s pretty sick though, throwing up so soon after i eat since the food is hardly digested. knowing what my food looks like while in my stomach is enough encouragement to eat healthier.

 

to your delight, i’ll list some examples so everyone can get a nice, clear visual of what food looks like in your stomach. feel free to skip the next 3 bullets.

- chew your bread thoroughly! i noticed that with stuff like bread, it sinks down to the bottom of your stomach and takes extra effort to get rid of since its so heavy.

 

- chips.. DON’T DIGEST apparently. the other day i had Cheetos Puffs, and its a pretty oily, cheesy type of chip. so of course after i pruged, all i saw was droplets of oil. and Hot Cheetos and Hot Cheetos Fries, clump together and somehow sit on the top of your stomach? I had eaten some like 2 hours before I consumed my meal yet the Hot Cheetos were the first to go. gross, i know.

 

- chocolate also seems to sink down to the bottom of your stomach. deeeeep down.

 

so even though you may throw up your meal, you may not necessarily be getting rid of everything since the stuff sinks down, which makes it way more difficult to throw up. that may be why you still gotta do number 2 sometimes. haha.. 

 

also, they say you should drink about 8 glasses of water each day. yet there are new reports  suggesting that 8 glasses of water may not really have that great of an effect on you. studies show that people who drank 8 glasses on average were just as healthy as people who didn’t. buttttttttt i still think you should drink water. why??

 

because it makes it so much easier to puke. =) and because it cleanses you internally. i noticed that while drinking at least a cup of water while eating makes it easier to not only throw up but physically makes me so full that i don’t get lazy and want to throw up. 

 

also, they say that drinking cold water is extremely bad for you since it slows down your digestion. i haven’t really decided if i should drink cold water because it will slow down the digestion of the food thats in my stomach so my body won’t abosrb as much but on the other hand, it might make it more difficult to throw up since the food wouldn’t have dissolved as much.

 

water is especially good for those late night hunger pains. statistics show that drinking one glass of water at night will reduce your hunger by 98% so there’s no need for the munchies and another unncessary puking session. 

 

and besides, since a lot of bulimics tend to binge on things like junk food, and some of it does tend to get digested before you purge, water can help get rid of toxins and other unhealthy stuff while in your body. sure you’ll gain some water weight, but i think its worth it.

 

and they say like 87% of americans are dehydrated. and dehydration leads to a slower metabolism SO , drink water! 

 

in addition to drinking more water, I think i’m going to keep track of my calorie intake from now on.

before, just binging, purging, and exercise used  to make me consistently lose weight each week. yet for some reason, its slowed down dramatically. maybe my body got used to the purging and began absorbing the food faster? or i’ve lost so many nutrients by now that my body isn’t processing normally.

 

anyways.

my calorie intake for my lunch is:

one cup of juice: 120 

8 wheat thins: 65

 

my exercise goal: run/walk for at least 30 minutes. i’ve been really getting in to running these days. after i started running at the gym, i decided to look up blogs related to running and there are SO many! anyways. the usual amount of calories i burn at the gym is around 300?ish. i think i’m going to start doing other machines too, like toning ones and more of the elliptical.  

 

wish me luck?

 

on the status of my ex-boyfriend:

he is being the nicest person ever to me. its like how it used to be back when we first started going out. i was actually getting over the whole thing to the point of being indifferent about the break-up but now he’s giving me mixed signals. he’s sort’ve flirting a lot too now, occassionally finding an excuse to touch me casually.

 

sigh. if only he was like this when we were actually going out.

i wonder if he’s having fun doing this to make the break-up more painful for me. 

jerk.

i miss him so much..

i hate my life so much. 

 

i thought that because i was so depressed about how my boyfriend treats me and thinks of me, weeding him out of my life would make me feel better.

 

but it doesn’t.

 

it just made me realize how even more pathetic i really am. i broke up with him the day his friend showed me his conversation with him and i have been regretting it since. i just can’t stop the tears. 

 

its like, the only thing that actually made me happy in life was him. even though he hurt me so much, i still looked forward to seeing him so much. he was the only thing that made me smile. and even though his words hurt me so much, i still liked him.

 

i don’t know why. but i miss him so much. after everything thats happened, i know if he said he would want to get back with me, i’d say yes. i had my doubts before but after spending so many days crying and missing him so much, i know that i need him now more than ever.

 

there are so many other things going on in my life that depresses me, which is why i held on to him for so long. 

 

the thing i want most in my life right now is for him to be holding me telling me that everything is going to be okay. thats all i want. and i’m absolutely heartbroken that he doesn’t want to be with me because of my looks.

 

it hurts me so much! because i love him so much. and i’ve never loved anyone else.

for me, this was a real relationship. for him, it was just sex.

 

i wish i could just turn back time. thats all i want. for him to be with me. 

devastated. simply, devastated.

at last, an unfortunate series of events.

from the beginning: one of the reasons why I never went through with breaking up with the boyfriend is because whenever I got close to doing so, he would tell me to stop and apologize for everything he’s done. and that no matter how he acts towards me, he will always love me and simply blamed his rude behavior on stress.

of course i believe him every time. not because i sincerely think so but because i want to believe for the sake of our relationship. i invested so many feelings, time, and heartache for me to simply give up despite his  hurtful attitude towards me. i just couldn’t let go, no matter how hard i tried. everytime i got close to doing it, something as simple as his smile would weaken me and i just wouldn’t be able to do it.

until, today. what changed?

well, right when i got online late last night, my boyfriend’s bestfriend whom i never really talked to before, instant messaged me and we have been talking ever since. the conversation was extremely awkward because it wasn’t the usual “hi. nice to meet you. how are you?” type of thing but more along the lines of “do you still love your boyfriend? why haven’t you broken up with my best friend yet. what is wrong with you?” to add to the awkwardness, i’ve always gotten the vibe that he didn’t like me. i was never mean to him or anything like that but he would always be rude to me and encourage my boyfriend to look at other girls and everything, which i found was extremely rude and disgusting. who ENCOURAGES infidelity? 

anyways. i told him why. and then he did the unthinkable. he showed me his conversation with my boyfriend! and it was the most painful thing i have ever read. why? because he wanted a FAVOR. not because he felt bad for me or anything like that but because he wanted a FAVOR. 

apparently my boyfriend has been wanting to break up with me for a while now even though he tried so hard to stop me everytime i tried to. but why, why would he be so willing to throw away our relationship after a whole year of intimate moments?

because i’m ugly and fat. seriously.

he discussed the pros and cons with his friend and apparently it consisted of how i’m so needy and unattractive. he seriously belittled our relationship to looks!! the future of our relationship of ONE YEAR  came down to physical attributes. 

how could a person tell me so many times that they loved me, not really love me? why bother feeding me such ridiuclous lies? well, according to the best friend it was because he wanted sex. seriously. he said that my boyfriend never really wanted to be in a serious relationship but merely a physical one. that is the reason why he gets annoyed and calls me needy, not because i am but because he just doesn’t want to bother. also, he said he planned to persue me in a sense after we break up in hopes of being friends with benefits………………………. no thanks.

not only that, the bestfriend asked him if he would’ve stayed with me if i was pretty. and he said yes.

ouch. knife to the heart.

when i first read this, i wondered why even date me in the first place if i’m so ugly to him? i guess it was because he never really had a real relationship before and it was all new and exciting. he had one girlfriend prior to me but they were only together for 2 weeks. before he met me, he would be watching anime and playing Doom 3 all day with his deadbeat friends. now that he’s the cocky jerk that he is, he probably thinks he can get someone better looking.

not so sure about that. i’m not saying that i’m pretty or anything, because i’m far from it. but so is he. he looks like every other nerdy korean guy. short, glasses, and full on acne. so many people i knew asked me why i was dating HIM of all people and that i could do so much better, which is saying a lot considering that i’m pretty ugly myself. to add to that, his personality isn’t that well-liked to begin with. he’s really awkward and has deadbeat friends that don’t even go to school. 

i confided in one of my friends immediately after the conversation and he finally told me he never understood why i would waste my time on someone like him. his personality was odd and borderline creeper status. 

but oddly enough, i liked that. not the creeper status but everything else. even though he used to be an extremely quiet person, i loved the fact that he was able to talk to me so much. i felt as if i was helping him overcome his insecurities and saw that he seemed like a great person, just misunderstood. 

blunda.

i loved him so much. i always cared about him and did things for his own interest. i went out with him despite the fact that my closest friends were against it because i believed he was different. i believed he wouldn’t hurt me. 

i loved him with every fiber of my being. enough so that i was unable to end the relationship even though he has hurt me so much to the point of tears and emotional breakdowns. i loved him even though he made me bulimic. and i became bulimic because i wanted him to love me. 

and he goes off calling me ugly and fat.

i’m absolutely heartbroken. just crushed.

words can’t express how excruciating this whole ordeal has been. i put so much effort in to the relationship and tried so hard, even though all he does is complain about my looks, something i can’t change. i wonder if he thinks HE’S attractive? cuz that will be sad if he did. i have nothing left to do now but to end my relationship with him. because he thinks i’m ugly and fat.. of all things to break up for.. and as the icing on the whole situation, our anniversary is in a few days.. too bad we won’t make it. i mean THANK GOODNESS. good riddens to him. hope he’ll be happy alone, living off of his parent’s money because he’s too lazy to get a job. now he’ll never be bothered by me again. i bet he doesn’t even know our anniversary is coming up. he’s forgotten it before.. and got me the cheapest, nearly dead daisies to make up for it. what a catch!

on a happier note: i realized how caring and thoughtful my boyfriend’s roommate is. he keeps telling me to stop being bulimic and sends me articles on the tragic affects it has on people RIGHT when i sign on or see him. and he always asks me how i’m doing. 

but as of right now, i am the most disgusted with myself then i have ever been in my life. the fact that my boyfriend, soon to be ex, actually uttered those words made my fears in to reality. it means that i AM ugly and fat. never have i been more sure. never have i been more depressed.

during a fight with my boyfriend, i asked him why he feels the need to check out my friends on myspace & facebook, why he needs pornographic magazines, why he watches porn every second i’m not there. and his answer?

“because its what guys do. all guys check out other girls.”

um. no.

he has a twisted perception because of what is portrayed in the media. he doesn’t have that many friends either so i guess he hasn’t really seen how it is. sure most guys check out other girls when they’re in front of them or something but most definately not in front of their girlfriends. and they most definately do not have the urge or desire to look at their girlfriend’s friends online. there are some people that will even consider fantasizing about another girl cheating because in a sense, you are longing for another girl and are imagining that you’re with them because you don’t want to be with your girlfriend. in the bible, it says sin is not only the actual act itself but even imagining committing sin or adultery is wrong and shameful.

honestly, i thought i was wrong and that i was the only one that felt this way. but i asked all of my friends how they would feel if they were in my situation and all of them agreed. ESPECIALLY the ones with boyfriends. the response was tremendous. i received dozens of respones, from both sexes, that agreed with me and told me he needs to get a reality check. 

oh what an idiot i’ve been.

but sad to say, i am even more determined to be skinny now. why? because its the only thing i CAN do. knowing that i would’ve been dumped after so many memories and hardships together simply because of my looks.

it is the most depressing feeling.

i still can’t believe that it came down to my looks.. he was my everything. he was my bestfriend, my lover, the person i went to when i needed someone, the person who holds me at night telling me everything will be okay, the person that whispered sweet nothings in my ear, the person that made me once feel so good about my self.. is the person that has hurt me the most. i just feel so broken. and i don’t know who to go to! normally i would go to him but now what do i do? i’ll never have the feeling of him holding me in his arms again. or i’ll never get to tell him how much i miss/love him. to me, he’s dead. i can’t let myself continue to be hurt by this monster – this monster who continues to hurt me despite of everything he knows about me. how could someone do all those things to someone they care about? it just hurts me so much.

i have to filter out the uncaring people in my life now.. starting with him. i wish so much that he thought i was pretty..

–

update on twitter.com – yeah, nothing. still says its deleted. i even made a new one but i don’t think i’ll bother. i wasn’t really in to it. whoever hacked in to my account was more in to it than i was.

update on my IDENTITY – i’ve received the nicest messages from people who thought i was someone else. apparently there is a Madison Kim in the LA district. sorry to say, i wasn’t her. my last name isn’t really Kim, but actually an American last name because i’m half white. I just wrote Kim because i needed a fake name. i don’t exactly want my blog to pop up if someone were to google me, so i apologize for deceiving you all! but every word i’ve written is absolutely true. and yes, i am the author of the: mustbe-skinny.blogspot.com blog (there is no i). i started that blog back in september but felt that i needed a new start after i became bulimic. and i am ever so pleased that people remember.

thank you guys for the wonderful support. 

i think… yess.. i am getting better

but.. 

why are my hands so dry? lol

my hands are undergoing through a dramatic transformation. my knuckles are the absolute driest and my skin has become rough and flaky.. my boyfriend’s roommate keeps commenting about them and we ended up looking up symtoms together. lol its nice how hard he’s trying. haha so here it goes:

first of all, there are two types of bulimia.

• Purging type of bulimia – The person induces vomiting or uses a diuretic, laxative, or enema to purge food from the body, as a compensation for bingeing.
• Nonpurging type of bulimia – The person with bulimia does not purge food from the body, but instead fasts or engages in excessive exercise to use up calories.

i think i have both? i starve myself throughout the day until dinner time, but i throw up that meal.

one of the symtpoms: 

Discolored or callused finger joints or backs of the hands – Jamming the fingers down the throat to induce vomiting may damage the outer surfaces of the hands.

they’re not discolored or callused.. they’re DRY which is odd cuz i only use my left hand to throw up my meal, not both. i’m wondering if it is just because its winter and bc i wash my hands a lot..

its odd how i don’t really get any other symptoms. like; 

Tooth and mouth problems, such as discolored and decalcified teeth, and sensitive, swollen, and bleeding cheeks and gums. These are caused by vitamin deficiencies and by the stomach acid that comes up with vomit.

maybe its only because i’ve been bulimic for about 3 months. 

other symptoms: 

• Often your weight shifts between 5-10 pounds which can’t be explained by any other condition.
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
• You have irregular menstrual periods or none at all (amenorrhea).
• Brittle nails.
• Dull eyes
• Brittle, dull hair.
• Frequently bruise easily or are prone to injuries.
• Body does not repair itself (for instance, you bruise something or injure yourself and it takes a month or longer to heal).
• You frequently become dizzy if you stand up too fast, or you have fainting spells.
• May throw up blood and get stomach aches.
• You have chronic sore throats.
• You experience headaches that continually re-occur.
• Knuckles appear a little callused and/or are scratched or bruised.
• Frequently tired and feel run down.
• You frequently experience heartburn, especially after purging.
• Eye vessels sometimes break, or you often have the blood-shot look.
• Swollen throat glands giving you the appearance of a chipmunk.
• You often retain water.

i’m not really sure what to think. i do have dry hair but i think i always have. my nails are fine. don’t have sore throats. no heartburn, my eyes look fine? but i DO retain water.

oh wells. i’ve concluded that there is no real definite way to know if someone is bulimic. one of my very good friends is bulimic and i had no idea until she confessed to me when we were talking about my condition. SHE didn’t even know i was bulimic. looked healthy on the outside but not on the inside.

its getting rather difficult to continue to do this though. my boyfriend’s roommate begged me not to puke while i’m at their place so i stopped going as often.  so i have to walk to the starbucks across the street just to throw up. but my roommates are always in my apartment so i can’t really puke here. now at least when i’m not at his place though, i don’t have to really throw up since i don’t eat unless he’s around.

since then i’ve lost another 3 pounds already. it feels really good to be losing weight again. for a while i thought it was going to be hopeless! i even started exericising. haha..

by the way, ever since I have been unable to log in to my twitter.com account, i have been getting messages asking me on mybloglog why i was being rude to them. it is NOT me! i tried deleting the account a few days ago but its still there.. and i’m still getting e-mails saying that people are ‘following me’….. i don’t know how thats possible considering that my account should no longer be active. i even e-mailed the twitter people a few days ago but haven’t received a response..

and most importantly,

feel free to e-mail if you’d like to talk or have any questions.  

madison.kimora@yahoo.com

but i do feel a lot better these days. i think its a combination of my boyfriend being nicer to me (maybe its bc i’m coming over less?? i don’t know..), my boyfriend’s roommate trying so hard to get me better, and all the nice people i’ve met through mybloglog that sent me so many nice messages and comments, telling me that i don’t deserve this. so thank you to everyone that has taken the time out of their day to send me a message.  the response i’ve received has greatly helped me and improved my sense of being. knowing that even complete strangers care more about me than my own boyfriend has helped me realize that i really do need to end things with him. but honestly, i’m so thankful for the nice comments i’ve gotten. its really helped me feel better about myself and how i see myself. the nicest one that touched me the most was from a woman that used to be bulimic. she also knows a lot about mybloglog and etc which is super cool. haha but i’m starting to feel a change. maybe my boyfriend will stop being so mean to me. ultimately, thats what will change me the most.

thank you again to everyone.

i

i’m not pretty. i get it. please stop reminding me.

so, I just got the beating of a lifetime. 

like, i’ve been beaten since i was little and am pretty used to it by now.

but wow, this time it was definately up there.

so for the last two/three weeks, i haven’t lost ANY weight.

i’ve been doing the same things i always do but for some reason, i just wasn’t able to shed a few pounds. so of course, the mother wasn’t thrilled.

it was expected, but i had no idea how extreme it would be. i think its because she’s stressing about my school. my grades have been good but its hard to tell if they’re law school good. 

bloody ear AND a huge bruise on my back. i sort’ve have this cut on my forehead but its not very visible anymore since i decided to get bangs yesterday to avoid answering the series of “what happened” questions. my acne is coming full force again anyways so the more of my face thats covered, the better. at least thats what my boyfriend says anyways.

speaking of my boyfriend, he would always say things like..

“did you wash your face today? you look really oily”

“why do you bother dressing up for me? doesn’t make a difference to me”

“whats on your lip? did you get a lip injection or something? you don’t look anything like angelina jolie so don’t bother” which is what he said when my lip was swollen from when my mom cut me on my lip. 

i.. don’t know why i’m with him. i think he just keeps me around to have sex and to bully around. he’s not even good at sex! but its those rare moments when he seems to care that makes me forget everything he’s said and done.

i think i am still in love with the person who he used to be. the one that always asked me how i was doing, texted me randomly throughout the day telling me that he loves me, the one that took care of me when i got drugged when we went clubbing in Norcal, the one that was just always there and made me smile. 

a year later, he could care less.  or, at least thats how it seems.

even his roommate cares about me more than he does! 

my boyfriend lives with one other guy in his apartment and even he found out i was bulimic. he asked me about it out of nowhere a few days ago and i was absolutely blown away. my boyfriends roommate, someone i barely talk to and see, noticed me more than the boyfriend did, the boyfriend that says he loves me. ridiculous.

i asked him how he knew. he said he first noticed that i go to the bathroom 2 hours after we eat, every time. i do this because its hard for me to throw up food right away, so i wait until its digested a little bit so it will come out smoother. sorry if its too much information.

then he said he noticed how i wouldn’t eat at all during the day when we all hung out during the weekend or something. after that, he googled bulimia to make sure i was okay.. and that he wanted to ask me but i didn’t really have the symtpoms so he wasn’t sure. the only reason he mentioned it was because he noticed that my right hand was dry, which he thought was one of the symptoms. apparently your hands are supposed to get dry because of the harsh reaction of exposing your skin to stomach acids daily.

all i could say was, “well.. it is winter.. doesn’t everyone get dry during the winter?” but in the end, i confessed to him that i didn’t use my right hand to throw up.. but my left. i think my right hand was just dry because i wash my hands so many times a day and always rub my left hand.. i don’t know… 

but i was so flattered that he cared. he told me he was really worried and tried to ask my boyfriend but he just said i was too fat to be bulimic. and he would try and smell me to see if i smelled like puke.. haha.. it was nice.. to be noticed and cared for.

though nice as his gesture was, it hurt so much because then it was just another reminder of how my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care. one of the things he complains about is that i’m needy..

i don’t know. i don’t think i do.. when we’re together and he’s busy doing something, i try not to bother him and just mind my own business. sometimes i get a little down because i get excited to see him and look forward to it so much but he ends up not even talking to me. i didn’t mind as long as he said SOMETHING to me. is a ‘how are you’ too much to ask?

i think when it comes down to it, he’ s just not attracted to me. personality can only take me so far.. why else would he always be checking out other girls all the time? my own friends.

it really hurts because i never ever considered myself even remotely pretty. its hard considering i have drop dead gorgeous sisters. and none of my boyfriends ever said i was pretty/cute or anything like that. so it was something i accepted and tried soso so so hard to change. 

but to have my boyfriend constantly remind me? someone that i have shared so many of my secrets, things i haven’t been able to tell ANYONE, someone that i love and care about so much, the one person i’m supposed to be able to rely on, remind me that i’m not pretty? it makes me so sick. i feel pathetic.

and who is he to say those things about me? because HE’S so attractive? hardly. so many of my friends asked me why i’m dating him and that i could do so much better.  yes i know those were shallow things to say but the point is, i’m not pretty to begin with and for my friends to say that i could do better? 

i think i complimented him too many times. i always tell him how cute he is and when he looks good wearing certain things. but i was just trying to make him feel better about himself.. i didn’t mean for him to get conceited. i just didn’t want him insecure.. like me. its not exactly a great feeling..

as shallow as this is, i have to admit i wasn’t attracted to him in the beginning. he told me he liked me long before i ever started liking him. but in the end, it is personality that i care about. in the end, it is looks he cares about. 

and to add on to my wonderful life, i think i am getting hacked! 

i’m unable to log on to one of my bank accounts and twtitter!

i only wrote TWO updates on twitter.com and didn’t even realize i had more until someone on mybloglog messaged me asking why i was saying such rude things when i didn’t even know them. so i tried logging on to twitter and was denied! luckily i’m still able to see my profile as an outsider and noticed that i’m following like 500 people??????????????????????? so. not. me. 

the updates aren’t even what i’d write. like it says i like coffe ice cream? i HATE coffee ice cream. and the whole “its 1:11. make a wish:) ” i.. don’t know why you would make a wish because its 111????

so sorry all of my twitter fans.. twas not me. 

num 2

 

from my opinion, its a shame that we no longer carry a sense of privacy. these days, people left and right talk about their sexuality, their urges, etc. television commercials, ads on the internet, the plethora of reality shows, billboards, bus stops, SPAM, and even park benches are filthy with sexual comments and innuendos, complete with commentary and the explicit visuals.

it is a wonder how society has developed itself in terms of gender norms. the typical guy believes it is absolutely fantastic to be crude and perverted because its how men are portrayed in the media. its sick, really. i hate to say this but my boyfriend is the perfect example. he believes watching porn and “reading” pornographic magazines even while in a relationship are normal and expected because he’s a guy and its what guys do. .  

 

 

well. its NOT.

 

 

he had me going for a little while, not gunna lie. i honestly thought that i should be more accepting of his.. “habits” even if it makes me uncomfortable. silly how foolish i was. but can you blame me? all of his guy friends thought the same way. or at least acted like it. i hadn’t been in that many relationships (he’s been in 0)  so i’ve never really had to face this type of situation before. being raised Christian, i had very set opinions about porn at a very early age but Christian values are so ignored these days like in the media, guys are constantly portrayed as being perverted and etc while their girlfriends just ignore it. so i wasted time beliving the problem was me, not him. i just didn’t want to be a prude.. so i actually sacrificed my beliefs and feelings to accommodate him. 

 

i know there are people who will disagree with me, guys mostly. it wasn’t until this topic came up with a group of my friends that i began realizing that i wasn’t just being a goody-goody. turns out, other girlfriends disprove of porn as well! how little did i know.. so of course i asked around, gave the hypothetical “what ifs” here and there and all of my responses were the same, for both genders. so, the problem wasn’t just me. and now i was sure of it.

 

friends and strangers alike agreed with me. they find magazines like Maxim and Playboy disgusting and pretty pathetic. but the question is, why do guys (especially my boyfriend) need to watch porn? why do they feel the need to watch it every time they’re alone? the only logical answer i could come up with is the fact that they’re unhappy with their girlfriend’s body that they need to satisfy themselves with images of complete strangers that they’ll probably never meet. it’s pathetic really, for both people in the relationship. it’s pathetic for the girl because all she does is try to look nice for him, care for him, and just want to be with him but in the end, he’s unhappy with her. its pathetic for the guy because he’s not satisfied by his girlfriend’s physique and is so desperate, he needs to satisfy himself with still pictures or videos of women he’ll never meet because he can’t get a more attractive girlfriend.

 

 

this was at least my case.

 

 

so when i think about porn, it reminds me of the desperate and needy. it is for the liars and adulterers. it is for the cheats and sinners. all the times my boyfriend longed for another girl, dreamt of her, wished for someone else to be looking in to his eyes than me, makes me feel so insignificant.

 

 

 

if it weren’t for the fact that i still care for him and my overwhelming fear of being alone, i would have done it ages agoi don’t voluntarily throw up my meals because i want to, but because i need to. the thought of his infidelity literally makes me sick to my stomach. so when i excuse myself to use the restroom, thinking about his magazines, and everything he’s done and will do, it is the final impetus that forces me to rid my body of food. 

 

when people hear of my situation and the events leading up to it, the usual reaction is of shock, naturally. 

“what are you thinking? are you out of your mind? stop being so pathetic!” 

 

well, if it was that easy, wouldn’t i have done it months ago? 

 

i think its fairly difficult to understand the position i’ve been forced to deal with.

i did not choose to be like this. and i do not choose to stay like this. 

 

it is the unbearable concept of being by myself that is preventing me from making things better.

in a sense, my boyfriend broke me. 

he crippled me from the inside, slowly yet forcefully shattering my confidence, giving power to my insecurities.

 

yes i am completely and utterly aware that i am not un a healthy relationship. 

How it all Started

i weigh 132 pounds.

i am 5 foot 2.

and i am depressed.

only about a month ago, i was 15 pounds heavier, at a whopping 147. it was through a series of events that led me to throw up after a meal, if i even ate in the first place.

being raised as asian, it was difficult to achieve the high standards all asianparents have set for their children. koreans are naturally a very competitive, determined race. they are headstrong and stubborn to the very core. so stubborn that many parents to this very day still beat their children.

now don’t take this lightly. i am aware that many parents of all races somewhat beat their children in order to teach them certain values and whatnot. but i believe koreans are of a different breed. they beat not only to teach, but to torture. they even have a name for the stick they use to beat children, “mong-doongy” – roughly translated as a “bruise-maker”.

so when i returned from college a few years later, my mom took one look at me and began… teaching me. 

as naive as i am, i absorbed the wholesome-goodness i saw on shows like Full House, Family

Matters, etc and thought that beauty was on the inside and weight was but a number, not a definition of who i am.

well, i was wrong.

its sad to say that even though my mother forced me to go home every weekend from college just to starve me for two days out of the week, it wasn’t enough for me to take my weight that seriously.

i kept telling myself that it was just a few pounds and that i’ll lose it in no time. you would think that after my ‘Freshman 15′ morphed drastically in to the ‘Freshman 30′, i would think otherwise. how much time i wasted! i should have known, there is no “Senior 30″…………

it wasn’t until i realized how much my boyfriend hated my body, that i changed.

whenever we’re out together, he is constantly checking out other girls, acting as if we’re not together, ignores me at parties, flirting around, talking crap, reads Playboy and Maxim, checking out my friends on facebook and myspace, and a whole other series of events. 

how foolish am I? to honestly believe he cared about me. if he did, he wouldn’t do ANY of the things I just mentioned.

why is he with me?

sheer boredom?

seriously. he was so different until we met. shy, quiet, some would even say mute. now, he’s cocky and self-centered.

now i’m so disgusted with how he sees me that i can’t help but throw up after every meal. now i’m bulimic. i generally starve the whole day and finally eat dinner, only because i don’t want my boyfriend to know. afterwards i feel disgusted with myself, waiting until he’s busy to sneak downstairs and throw up everything.

i’ve been doing this unhealthy cycle of starving and binging for about a month now and no one has caught on.

no one was the wiser. 

this is my life.